The NICU Journey

I feel like the NICU should come with a warning--"DO NOT ENTER UNLESS PROPERLY PREPARED (and sanitized)". First of all, Charlotte was doing spectacular in the NICU. No issues--heart rate, oxygen and respiratory were all within range. I was so happy that she was doing so well. However, she still hadn't mastered bottle feeding and my hopes of having a bottle feeding savant were quickly diminishing. I really thought she would pick it up in a week and they'd let us go home. I was so wrong! I struggled with two main things during Charlotte's NICU stay; her feeding and my own health.

Twinsies--matching IV pumps! 

Let's start with feeding. I tried breastfeeding, I gave it my best shot and I was able to provide some milk for her entire NICU stay (32 days). However, I had to make a choice that I certainly didn't want to--is my health more important than breastfeeding? Breastfeeding can create an amazing bond between momma and baby, but for me it created stress and made me so weak that I didn't even want to get out of bed. 

When you have a preemie, they don't always know what they're doing when it comes to feeding. They haven't mastered SSB, suck swallow breathe, and it is tough to feed them regardless of your method. I had lactation consultants help us at first, and it seemed that Charlotte was doing pretty well latching, but was using so much energy trying to feed she would end up losing weight that day. That scared me, a LOT. To me, the smaller she got the further away we were from taking her home. That's when I started pumping like a crazy woman, which eventually DID turn me into a crazy woman. 

Celebrating one month in the NICU! Look at that hair!

I pumped every 3 - 4 hours during the day, but I let myself sleep at night. After all, I was still recovering not only from childbirth but also from major surgery. I had to let my body rest. I would bring in what I pumped the day before to the NICU every single day. I would take the long walk down to the milk bank and then make the long walk back to Charlotte's room. I was exhausted just doing that, I still didn't have much energy for any physically activity (even just walking would have me gasping for breath).

I was asked constantly about my milk supply, "Did you bring more milk today? We're almost out.", "Let's set up an appointment for the lactation consultant to come by!", and "How many ounces a day are you producing? How often are you pumping?" For a while, I answered these questions and remarks because I knew that it was only being asked out of true concern. It drove me crazy though because I felt like I had to explain my story to every NICU nurse as to why I couldn't bring in 30 ounces a day. 

​At this point, I was officially put on bowel rest because I still was having issues with my abscess. They thought if I didn't eat or drink, it would help heal my bowel--which eventually it did thank goodness! I was diagnosed as malnourished because my body wasn't absorbing any calories or nutrients. They placed a central line in my chest and I administered my own TPN--nutrition through an IV. Each night I hooked up to an IV pump and carried a backpack around with a 10 pound bag of fluid inside (my third and final diva moment--this thing was just annoying and took forever to hook up!). I weighed 25 pounds less than I did pre-pregnancy. I looked like a skeleton walking around and no one would have ever guessed I just had a baby. Trust me ladies, in theory, this sounds great. Yet, I didn't have our baby home with me, now I didn't even look like a mother. People would say things about how thin I was, which was the last thing I wanted to talk about. I know it didn't come from a bad place, but all it would do is remind me of the terrifying weeks Chase and I had to go through to get Charlotte here. Plus, I was freaking hungry and wasn't allowed eat anything! So, I was probably a little lot grumpy too. Two months of no food really turns you into a nutcase!

Again, I know I'm not the first mom to struggle with body image after pregnancy. However, I am probably part of a small group of women who try to gain weight after pregnancy. Because I was so thin, my surgeon, GI doctor, OBGYN and Charlotte's neonatologist all suggested I stopped breastfeeding. I needed those calories more than Charlotte at this point and I finally gave in. I hate to admit it, but I felt so relieved after I stopped. I wasn't being constantly drained of the little nutrition I was absorbing. I decided that Charlotte needed a healthy mom and that formula could provide her what she needed nutritionally at this point. Eventually, we both started to add on the pounds and I knew I made the right decision.

During all of this, Chase was my support system. Not only was he working full time, but he was taking care of me when he was home, cooking dinner, and visiting Charlotte in the NICU every chance he got. Thankfully, Chase's office was literally one floor up from the NICU. It eased my mind so much knowing he was only an elevator ride away. I had a hard time getting up to the NICU quickly (due to my wound, drain and TPN) but Chase would always go visit her and tell her how much we loved her. A word of advice to all NICU moms: don't let guilt overcome you. Chase insisted that Charlotte knew I was her mother even if I wasn't there 24/7. At the time, I would have bet the world that he was wrong. Looking back. he was so right. I was terrified Charlotte would be discharged and cry at home because she didn't know me. I was 100% wrong! Do NOT feel like you have to be there constantly and do NOT feel like your child won't know you. All easier said than done, of course!

After 32 days, some good and some bad, Charlotte was discharged. She was still teeny tiny--weighing about 5 pounds. She hardly fit in the car seat! When we got her home, I broke down into tears of joy. I felt as though my anxiety lifted instantly. I had my family where we were supposed to be, in our home with no wires, no tubes, and our happy little baby.